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My Greatest Loves

Imagine for a second that the waves are rushing at your feet, or the fresh grass is cool between your toes.  And the air smells like hydrangeas and lilacs, and a few gentle clouds leisurely roll on by.  Now hear the sounds of the water, and the bees gathering their nectar from the flowers and head off towards the skies, and you’re smelling the grass beneath you.  You are curled up in a hammock, swaying ever so gently, while your favorite book that you swore you would only read a page or 2 has now been swallowed up to chapter 16.   Sounds so heavenly, right?

Now imagine your baby smiling for the first time. A really big smile, not one associated with gas and bodily excretions.  And hearing her laugh and giggle, and discovering that her feet can actually fit in her mouth! Or your son has pulled himself up for the first time and is almost, maybe, kind of at the point of taking his first real step! And hearing “mum mum mum” over and over.  And your son with his little head that fits so perfectly on your shoulder,  just like a perfect fit in a puzzle, and falls asleep in that moment. Pure magic.  To me there is nothing better.

My kids are growing way to fast.  By September, my son will be starting college and my daughter will be in grade 11.  I am lucky.  They still like me, and want to hang out with me.  They still like to snuggle up (more so my daughter, but sometimes I can sneak one in with my son) and watch a movie.   And I can read them like a book.  These two are my favorite stories.  My unfinished work in progress, only there really is no editor. Just the whole wide world to share their story with.   No rough drafts to correct, no revisions, just one perfect, final copy.   Well, MY perfect final copy. I would trade any beach, grassy meadow or hammock just to BE in this moment with them in this life.  And all the hydrangeas in the world don’t have nothin’ on the sweet smell of my beautiful daughter.  She smells like hope, dreams, promises, and cotton candy lol.

My kids will always be a greater reward to me than any diploma, work recognition, likes on a blog post, or followers to the never-ending list of social media.  We have trudged through shit canyons together and always smell like strength and accomplishment.  This is my heaven.  All the positives and hugs and love and comfort and self confidence that I was never given as a child are now finding their home in my children.  They help homeless people, they shared lunches at school when they were smaller, they help out their friends now by offering them a safe place to be, and always stand up for the underdog.  They work after school jobs, have money saved, and respect themselves and others.  My daughter volunteers any chance she can get, and my son is the first one to reach into his pocket to put money in the kettles at Christmas.

These are my greatest loves.  Stronger than any ocean wave, cooler than any fresh green grass, better than any New York Times best seller.   Nothing beats “mom”, or “momma” which my daughter still calls me quite often (which i love more than clear blue skies)..  Not even “free cheesecake”.  And they are almost cooler than a hammock.  Just kidding. Maybe.  Hammocks are comfy.  And I can always eat cheesecake with my kids.  They might even be nice enough to buy it for me. 😊🍰

Let’s all live a little more, and hugs our babies a little tighter: young, old, big, small, furry, purry or otherwise.

Donna

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Fresh, Blessed Beginnings

I know this page has been pretty quiet, but in all honesty, the holidays were a very hectic time for our family. It was a time to come together & remember how blessed we are.

Now that everyone is back to school and work, I spent the morning reflecting and relaxing.  Reflection is one of the most important self-help tool I carry in my tool box.  It reminds me of what is important, and what I have in my plus column. Sometimes items I have on my list can fit into both the plus AND minus column in reflection, like for eample my tumor.  It has been quite the journey, but it has also opened my eyes to numerous positives.  It has brought back together old freindships, showed strength in areas I didn’t know I had, and allowed me to see things with new perspective glasses on. Pespective glasses are the best gift. It showed me that the dishes will still be in the sink tomorrow, and that time spent not doing them allow me precious extra minutes with my children. Same with the laundry.  And dusting.  I also learned that I don’t like housework.  Haha.

Another blessing: my amazingly strong support team, from doctors to family to friends, to pharmacists, to my nurses and even my cat. All there for anything I needed.

And my husband and children: there is no greater gift than the 3 of them. Even when I feel like they are overwhelmed and just ‘done’ with this whole thing, which is exactly how I feel at times too! It’s not exactly how we thought this time in our lives would be.  But we trudge through; the shit canyons, the emotional roller coasters, the appointments, and the breakthroughs. All of it.  And every day, a little more light seems to appear.  Love let’s the light in.

I guess from growing up in an unstable environment, I always felt this impending doom during all big holidays in my adult life.  Like a terrible event would rock the core of my family, and would overshadow any joy for my sweet babies.  I know a brain tumor is a major event, but I never felt like that would be the event. Probably because of my above-mentioned medical team. This season, I felt a deep sense of calm, like that impending doom has been lifted, and buried deep into a hole that I have no idea of the location.  I’m ok with that. I don’t want Google maps to show me that destination.  I hopefully will never know.  I finished my last day of chemo on December 21st, and my family had a wonderful Christmas day.  Fresh starts.

I was also blessed to be a part of the miracle of a new life, my son has a friend who delivered a gorgeous baby boy on December 27th, and was honored to be a big part of her day. Tiny fingers and toes are the perfect reminder of life’s precious gifts, especially at Christmas time. Nothing makes my heart happier. And I just got word that my dear friend just became a ‘Gigi’ for the second time, about 5 minutes ago. Love is all around us, for sure.

I always get a little sad when the tree and the decorations have to come down.  I love the holiday season.  So my tree still stays standing,  unwrapped gifts still sit underneath, and still a few gifts that need to be handed out to people who haven’t made it by yet.  The tree will go down when the time is right.  I love sitting in the dark of night with just the lights of the tree, I find it very therapeutic. So for now it stays.

I gave up on making an official resolution this new years eve.  New years eve in our house this year consisted on a few dear friends, but mostly my kids invited some friends over and played games, watched movies and had Chinese food.  That is my continued resolution: that my children and their friends will be safe and happy. That my daughter and her friends will giggle about boys and watch cheesy shows, and laugh all night.  And that my son will always express that amazing belly laugh that makes me smile, and that he knows he is smart, and his accomplishments are something to be proud of.  He is a high school graduate, working on his plans to continue on to college in the fall. I have no doubt he will do it. He has already achieved more than me. I have no doubt he will do it. My kids never cease to amaze me with what they have accomplished, and what they will continue to acheive.

Cheers to fresh beginnings and a blessed new year.

Let’s all live a little more, I know I will,                                                               Donna

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Oligo-f-yourself!

So.  Tonight is my second to last chemo dose.  One more to go. DONE. Hopefully.  This has been one hell of a ride, from May 20th 2014 until now.  I can’t think of a better Christmas gift to my family than for this part to be over.  Chemo has made me emotionally exhausted, physically drained, rashy, bloated, nauseated, constipated, pale, dizzy, and on and on I could go.  But you get the drift. Combine that with the radiation and for a while I looked like the bald Lego guy.  Attractive.

But one thing it also brought me was this sense of gratitude and thankfulness that I think you can only understand if you face an unknown life-rocking-you-to-the-core event.  Because that is what it was: the unknown of what we were dealing with after the words “you have a brain tumor” came out of the radiologists mouth.  Before we headed off to meet my neurosurgeon and showed us in detail what was inside my head (this is where everyone inserts ‘haha hot air!’ jokes).  When she assured me she could get it out,  that it was right under my skull plate in my pariatal lobe.  Easy-peasy she said.  So we booked a date.  June 20th, 2014. Positive it was benign, by the lack of ‘tenticles’ coming from it.  It looked like an acorn.  An acorn we named Kevin.  F you Kevin, you were coming out!

But he liked it in there. Apparently so did my brain tissue, because it started embracing Kevin.  Thank goodness I was awake for the surgery or my doc wouldn’t have been able to tell what was brain and what was tumor.  She was only able to remove about 10% of Kevin.   That’s when I decided to drop the K and call him ‘Evin’.  And Evin he has stayed.  At least i was lucky enough to see what my own brain looks like.  Don’t know how many people can say that!  The good news was from the pieces she managed to take out, all samples came back as non-malignant (benign, even though docs don’t like to use that word anymore). And the type of tumor I have is called an oligodendroglioma.  I dare you to say that 3 times fast!  BUT.  There is always a but.

Since he still likes the cosy spot that is my brain, my new set of doctors had to determine how to sterilize,or kill him.  Not shrink, like everyone thinks. KILL HIM.  Hence the 6 weeks radiation/chemo last November and December, and monthly trips to my oncologist to get my chemo meds for this whole past year.  I am so happy to say that my last MRI showed no ‘lit’ up area in my tumor,  which means no blood flow.  Which makes this Christmas an even better one. I have to go back all of 2016 for oncology visits, mri’s, meetings, blood work, all that jazz, but I am truly and utterly full of gratitude to have this life offered to me every day.

Every day I get to wake up, kiss my kids and my husband, have coffee with my cousin,  listen to the bustle of all the kids dropping in at the house, and be thankful.  So much good has been able to be pulled from this diagnosis.  Because the alternative to my diagnosis would have been horrific, and I’m not afraid to admit it.

I got the relationship with my mother that I’ve wanted si Read more

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Oh Holy Night

Tonight I am doing a bit of reflecting. And remembering. I find myself doing that quite a bit this time of year as I’m sure a lot of us do.  Tomorrow, I go to my oncologist for my final round of chemotherapy meds that I will complete on December 21st.  What an amazing christmas gift to my family, and all my friends who have rode along on this journey with me.  Not even just THIS path of my life, but ALL the pathways of my life.  Right back to my single mother christmas days.

I am a firm believer in paying it forward.  I hope that if possible, we can all remember that not everyone will be blessed with a tree full of gifts because the choice was hydro or presents, and unfortunately power won out.  My first year as a single mother, I was faced with this (maybe it wasn’t hydro, but it was some kind of utility).  I did get a few gifts for them of course, but I remember being asked by my counselor if I was up to be sponsored by a local business to help with gifts for the kids.  At first, I thought ‘these are my kids, and my responsibility.’ But she assured me that my situation was only temporary, and to be open to it.  I finally caved and said ok.

I received the most beautiful basket of gifts I had ever seen.  Overflowing with gifts for my precious babies, and even a few things for me.  I will never forget that christmas, and how excited my kids were on Christmas morning.  We have came a long way since that year.  And every year, we donate a turkey dinner to our local women’s shelter or food bank.  This year we went even further and bought toys, stuffed stockings, and baby clothes to families in need in our little town.  This is my way of paying it forward.  Because I know how difficult it can be when trying to keep your babies safe.  And christmas is so hard. Remember how fortunate we all are, and if you can give just a little, it may brighten up someone’s entire world.

I also don’t want to come across like a materialistic momma, because I definitely am not.  Both of my kids work very hard, starting off with paper routes to pay their cell phone bills, to babysitting, yard word, chores around the house.   My kids both know how hard we have struggled and worked, and are greatful every single day for what they have.  Even in our worst struggling times,  I managed to give them a few dollars and buy toys for the Angel tree at our mall (for kids living in shelters with their moms or dads).  There is a homeless man down by one of the off-ramps on our drive to the mall that my son gives his change to every time we see him.  He even says ‘hey, I wonder if our friend will be here today’.  That’s a proud momma moment for me.  My daughter does the same thing with volunteer work.  She loves working, and helping, and is a beautiful social butterfly.  I sometimes amaze myself that I created these wonderments.  That they will help someone struggling, bring them home, feed them, offer them a bed, and a safe place to rest their head.

This is the best gift we could have given them: empathy, compassion, and respect. I couldn’t be more proud of them.

I ask, if you need help, or somewhere to go for christmas dinner, ask someone so you will not be alone.  Ask the crazy cat lady down the hall  who she spends it with, maybe she is alone too.  See! Win-win!  Help out at your local food bank, church or community centre if you can.  PAY IT FORWARD! Spread that happy glittery christmas cheer on everything! Trust me, it is NEVER forgotten.

Let’s all live a little more,                                                                         Donna

 

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With love

A little reminder before we head off to sleep, where ever we all may be: there is always something to be thankful for.  And behind every dark cloud is a beautifully hidden sunshine.

Let’s all remember to be kind to ourselves.

Let’s all live a little more,                                                                                Donna

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ALONE

Today I was thinking about the word ‘alone‘ a lot.  and how lonely a word it must be.

I commented on one of my favorite Facebook pages today, about if we do not become part of the solution, we become a part of the problem. That is true in so many situations.   My comment was regarding post-partum depression, and the stigma that is attached to taking prescription medications.  I personally take anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety meds, and I cannot even say it’s because of the little shit in my head. Sure, my stresses are magnified because of that f’er, but honestly I took an anti-depressant long before he came along.  For my own well-being. That is good self-care.  I have children to consider,  and a husband, not to mention a highly emotionally challenging job.  Good self-care is essential.   It’s no different than me taking my chemo.  Depression and anxiety in any form is an illness, one that we need to be able to ta,lk openly about. Starting now, yesterday, last week. Talk.

I love me a little alone time.  I actually get quite a bit of it when I’m not going to doctors and specialists.  But when I was young, 5 year old Donna hated being alone. She was willing to do anything to avoid it growing up, sacrificing her own personal self just to have a little companionship. By her late teens, her self esteem was shot, and she slipped into relationships riddled with addictions, crutches and domestic violence.  Because being alone was scarier than getting assaulted physically, emotionally, verbally and psychologically.  I became co-dependent on chaos.  All by the age of 21.  Alone was abandoned.  Alone was unworthy. Broken.  Unloved & disposable.

Through many many years of therapy and counselling, I learned to embrace my 5 year old self.  I love her so much.  All her broken pieces make me the whole person, mother, 2nd mothers, wife, sister, and daughter I am today.  I have learned that being alone can be so freeing.

Last year after the shock of my diagnosis wore off a little, I had a lot of time to myself.  My cousin came every morning for coffee, but she left for work by 9:30.  Then, in complete beautiful solitude, I felt more emotions than i ever felt in my entire life.  Tears, wipe, repeat. Yell. Blow nose.  Get angry.  Yell. Sleep, blessed sleep.  Fear, anxiety, ignored phone calls.  Yell.  Some would almost call it isolation.  I call it true, raw, beautiful feeling.  In that time, I re-evaluated the word ‘alone’.  I decided to become part of a solution.  And change the word into my own personal love note:

A

Love (or Life)

Of

Never

Ending

The word isn’t so scary sounding to me this way.  *Love never ends. Regardless if it is self-love, intimate partner love, the love between parents and their children, family love, all with never ending boundaries.

When I replace love with life, I feel empowered, strong, feisty even. Like a life of never ending possibilities. Or a life of never ending potential.  Never ending purpose.

If we all took a stand, even in a small way, just asking someone who looks a little sad if they are ok, seeing if the senior walking alone in the parking lot needs help finding his car, just LISTEN to someone with anxiety and/or depression, or seeing what ways we can help our local food banks, WE CAN MAKE A SMALL DIFFERENCE.  A purpose.  Towards a solution.   To understand that medication is vital to someone’s survival, and help getting it un-swept from under the carpet.  That is how we can be part of the solution.  I always loved this saying:

“If we replace the ‘I’ with ‘we’, even illness becomes wellness”

We all have the power to shatter the silence.

Let’s all live a little more,                                                                Donna

*I must say, domestic violence is never love.  It is power and control over another human being using force, manipulation, hurt, guilt, shame.  Someone who claims to love you will never physically, or any other way, hurt you.  This is just my opinion,  I am in no way an expert.  I draw my experience from life lessons*